4 Lessons Divorce Taught Me About Money
TW: domestic violence, sexual assault, abuse
I wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone. With that being said, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
I got married too young, because of survival, to someone who was not right for me. Through that experience, I learned a thing or two about money… and a lot about myself.
Here are 4 lessons divorce taught me about money:
Therapy is worth every penny
I wouldn’t be alive without therapy. That is not an understatement. So, already, you know I’m an advocate for counseling and mental health services.
In August of 2017, I began my “intensive” therapy journey. My therapist, Doug, helped me navigate my separation and divorce, which included emotional, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. It also included finding an attorney and dealing with the cost of legal procedures.
I had been to therapy before — off and on since I was 16. But Doug was different. He saw me at my most vulnerable and raw. And he took that shell of a person and helped her become who she is today.
My work with Doug included unpacking my narratives around money in my marriage, exploring my financial history growing up, and recalibrating what I perceived as equitable treatment.
I Doug deep (see what I did there) and had to look at myself in a way I never had before.
No bullshit.
No masks.
No other person to “save” me.
Challenging doesn’t even begin to describe that time of my life, but it was well worth it to come out the other side with an understanding of my own patters and the grit it would require to break the remaining unhealthy ones.
Two lessons Doug taught me that I will never forget:
One session I told him about our “fun money.” He asked how much each person got in this line item each month. I told him I got $50 and my husband got $150.
“So, you value your husband 3 times more than yourself. That’s the message you’re sending. That you are not equal.”
The other lesson was about a bowl of ice cream.
A bowl of ice cream is great, right? What if you add Hershey’s chocolate sauce? And rainbow sprinkles? Sounds delectable to me.
But a bowl of simple ice cream is the baseline. And you must find happiness with that ice cream before you start adding toppings.
Because if you’re not happy with that baseline treat, you’ll never be satisfied with the crap you put on top.
You have to be in love and happy with yourself first, because if you try to fix your life with other people or unhealthy coping mechanisms, you’ll fail every single time.
Putting a bandaid on a bullet hole doesn’t work. You have to be at peace with yourself before you try to please or love anyone else.
Rejection and “failure” are redirections
I was 25 when I became officially divorced. I thought I had ruined my entire life. I thought, “Well… my marriage failed, so this means I’m a failure.”
My marriage ended for a plethora of reasons, but me being a failure was far from one of them. As women in a patriarchal society, our lives are often centered around our relationship to others. So when the biggest relationship in our lives, according to society, fails, it’s easy to use deductive reasoning and begin to associate you as a person with failure.
Again, through therapy, I worked that toxic narrative out of my head. I also have realized in the 5 years since, that failure isn’t failure. It’s actually what leads you towards what you actually need in life.
Had I not gone through my divorce:
I would have never met Joe or married him.
I would have never started my own business or pursued my passion of personal finance.
I would have never moved to Ohio or Colorado.
I would have never been comfortable coming out as Queer.
I would have never admitted I was Pagan.
I would have never stopped, observed, and thought about my political views on a deeper level.
My life would have looked completely different had I not gone through with divorcing my first husband. And I’m so thankful for that “failed” marriage.
Failure is redirection to better. Failure gives you insight into what you really want out of life. And it puts a fire under your ass to go out and go after that life.
If I hadn’t learned that through divorce, I am not sure I would have developed the resilience and perseverance I have today. I wouldn’t have the edge that’s gotten me to where I am in my personal and professional life.
Age-based milestones are bullshit
Graduate high school: 18
Graduate college: 22
New job: 22
Get married: 23
New car: 23
New House: 24
Kid 1: 25
New job: 26
Kid 2: 27
New House: 30
For much of my life, I thought milestones would progress as shown above. But the reality is that life, especially post Boomer generation, is much more of an oscillation.
That’s not just my opinion — that’s data. [insert data]
It also doesn’t matter. You can do whatever, whenever, however you want. All this shit is literally made up.
Did I expect to be divorced a mere four years after marrying? No. Did I expect to be a completely different human with completely different goals and ambitions 5 years later? No. But Thank God!
Do whatever the fuck you want, y’all. Life is too short to be measured by a line graph.
You have to prioritize you
Prioritizing yourself is more than commercialized bubble baths or shopping trip. Although, sometimes, those are all you need.
Prioritizing yourself means stepping back, taking stock of your life, and beginning to intentionally live according to how you want it to go. It’s being aware of red flags and setting boundaries. It’s putting what you need ahead of people pleasing. It’s not being afraid to rock the boat and stand up for yourself.
Loving yourself. Appreciating yourself. Not minding your own company… is deeper than anything you can buy at the store.
And it is necessary when it comes to new transitions and your money management
When you are solid about yourself, you can’t be swayed to buy into something you don’t need, something that doesn’t serve your highest and greatest good, or something you truly don’t want.
These 4 lessons divorce taught me about money have given me an edge when it comes to personal finance and my relationships in general. I hope they help you!